


i'd be saving my love for you

by iswawrites



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV), Modern AU - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Mutual Pining, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22323631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iswawrites/pseuds/iswawrites
Summary: Jon is in love with Sansa.Sansa is in love with Jon.It takes them a few years to learn.
Relationships: Jon Snow/Sansa Stark
Comments: 19
Kudos: 105





	1. i.jon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [k0skareeves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/k0skareeves/gifts).



> this is completely self indulgent, done on purpose for me by me. this is what happened when i chose to take a break from my main jonsa story. I hope you enjoy it. No one beta'd this so mistakes are my own. I do not own this characters, this is purely for fun.  
> Gabi, sweetheart, this is for you too.

i.jon

When Jon meets Sansa Stark, he's ten and he's running to his mother after school and it doesn't take long before he spots the red-haired proudly holding her mother's hand. Mrs Stark and his mother have known each other for a while, two years if Jon remembers correctly, two years since he's known Robb, two years since they've been best friends, but in those two years, Jon has never seen the red haired girl. She's watching him closely, her small body half hidden behind her mother's legs but a light smile plays on her lips, her blue eyes set on him.

« Mommy, who is this ? » Jon asks his mother. It's not that he's shy – Robb says he is, but Jon thinks is not, - it's just he'd rather not have any surprises, and this girl... she surely feels like one.

« This is Sansa, my love, Robb's sister. » Lyanna Snow answers. The girl, Sansa, keeps smiling at him and Jon feels something in his stomach and he doesn't like it. « How was school today ? »

« Fine. Can we go home ? » He doesn't wait for his mother's answer and instead just turns around and walks towards their car, trying to forget the blue eyes he can still feel in his back.

Jon tries to avoid her. He does, he really does, everytime Robb asks him to come by his house to play video games, Jon declines the offer, and suggests they go to his ; he makes sure to leave school as soon as the door bell rings and sprints to his mom's car so he doesn't have to greet the red haired girl. It works for a while, until Robb throws a birthday party and Jon attends and he spends the whole time trying to avoid looking at Sansa Stark. And failing miserably. He tries, he really tries to avoid her as best as he can, but every where he looks, every where he turns, she's there, a smile on her face, like she's happy, like she can see right through him and he doesn't like it. He spends a good portion of the afternoon at the Starks' hiding in Robb's room with a book. It's stupid, he's hiding because of a girl, it's so stupid, but Jon doesn't like the feeling in his stomach when he sees her. It's like an animal awakening, and it's stirring his insides left and right and he always makes him feel hot and he doesn't like it.

He's mid-way reading the fifth Harry Potter book when the door to Robb's room opens, and Sansa Stark enters. She looks around her brother's room, before spotting Jon on the other side of the bed. « Oh ! There you are ! We're about to cut the cake, and your mother is looking for you. » She says and he doesn't like the way she sounds older than she is, she's only 8, she can't just boss him around like she's older than him.

« I'll be right down. You can go. » But he doesn't make a move to stand up.

« You're really going to make my brother wait for you? » Sansa says, tilting her head. « That's very selfish of you. »

Jon turns his head sharply towards her. « I'm not selfish ! » He retorts, getting up.

« You're making my brother wait. » Sansa says. « For a book. To me, that's selfish. »

«Shut up. I don't have to take lessons from an 8 year old ! » Jon says as he walks past her and he goes to the stairs, not looking behind him, knowing he'll meet Sansa's eyes and it'll only awaken the beast in him more.

He sings happy birthday to Robb and only looks at his best friend as they hand out presents, and when he and his mother leave, he pretends he doesn't see Sansa looking at him from the top of the stairs, he pretends he can't feel the beast in him tugging at his sides.

Jon is thirteen when Sansa Stark arrives at his school. He had been fine before, he had learned to ignore the animal inside him every time he saw her, it had been hard, but he had done it, he had pushed the beast inside him and locked it away and he was fine. Great, even. But then one morning, she walks inside his school, adorning their uniforms and Jon feels his stomach dropping in his chest. Her hair is braided into two long plaits, her bangs and a few strands framing her face, a backpack behind her and she looks beautiful, Jon thinks. He stares at her a little longer than he probably should, the animal inside him sighing and shaking, and Jon fidgets as he stands there, in the assembly. She's a few rows down, with her grade and she's smiling proudly as the headmaster speaks. Jon wants to reach out, but he doesn't know if he should, if he can without doing something stupid.

At lunch, she sits with Robb and Theon and him and she introduces them to Jeyne and Margeary, two girls from her class – and Jon rolls his eyes because of course, she would make friends on the first day. He doesn't say much, only plays with his food, his stomach is in knots, and he can't look up because Sansa is sitting right accross from him, and he can feel her feet next to his under the table and Jon feels like he can't breathe. After that day, he avoids the cafeteria for lunch and eats behind the science building. He succeeds for a month and for a while he almost forgets that she's here, in his school. He manages to not talk to her unless he's forced to and even then, he only gives one word answers.

It happens the day of her birthday party. She's turning twelve and for some reason she invites him, and at first he wants to say no, but it's fine because Robb will be there and Theon too, and Jon thinks he's fine, it won't be a big deal. It's just a birthday party. Who cares if his heart stops a little when he sees Sansa in a pink floral dress, her hair loose falling in waves down her chest and the animal residing in him awakens, abruptly, and screams and Jon can only whisper _happy birthday_ and hands her his present before walking past her to find the nearest bathroom so he can panic in peace. He's heard some of the boys talked about it, and his mom had told him how he had felt when she had first seen his late father, and Jon knows.

He loves Sansa Stark.

Jon is thirteen and he's in love with Sansa Stark.

He doesn't tell her though, no, he can't possibly tell her, not when he prefers the shadows of a room and she's the light of every room she walks in. She's Robb's sister and he can't tell her. She's bright and lively and a beam of sunlight and Jon is shy and quiet and not for her world. So he stays quiet, lets his heart feel, and he pushes it away, learns how to not listen to it, and watches from the sidelines. He watches when she acts in the school's plays, he listens when she sings at the school functions, he watches her as she hands the presents to her brother each year. But he stays always a step away, a step away from reaching out to her, a step away from spilling his love out to her and ruining everything. It's always on the edge, his feelings, his heart is always here beating faster when she's near, skipping a beat when he hears her voice, dropping when she looks his way, stopping completely when she smiles at him. He's always there, watching, and he can see she tries to be his friends, she tries to talk to him, invite him to things and Robb always insists that he comes and he usually does, because he can't say no to Robb and saying no to Sansa is unthinkable so he usually tags along to whatever they make him do but he always stays a step back. He needs to, he has to, he can't let his heart out. No, he can't, he can't afford to.

He's 18 when he gets the acceptance letter from Harvard Law and he runs to the Starks' household when he gets the letter, eager to tell Robb but it's Sansa who answers the door and she's beautiful,she's in her ballet uniform, her long legs looking perfect in the pink tights, her pink leotard hugging her body perfectly, but for once Jon doesn't let himself look. No, not today, today, he's panting when she opens the door and he doesn't wait before he blurts out. « I got into Harvard ! »

And the next second, Sansa is hugging him and Jon freezes in place and the embrace only lasts a second but it feels like a lifetime for Jon and at the same time, not long enough, and when she leaves his space, he feels empty and lost and she's back in the house, calling for Robb while Jon stays in the doorway, his heart in his throat and he feels stuck, and when she re-appears, Robb is with her and he hugs Jon just as tight and Jon is taken out of this trance suddenly and Jon wills his heart to go back in this chest and for his brain to work again, and it does, and he forgets about the hug she gave him, even when her blue eyes are set on him and her hand is on his shoulder when she leaves for her ballet class.

She's dating some kid from another school when he has to leave for university and there's a party organized for Robb, Theon and him and he didn't want one but Robb and Theon did and Jon has learned he's a bit of pushover when he comes to the people he loves, so he accepts and the party happens. There's a lot of people, a lot more than he would have liked and he wants to leave after five minutes but then Arya arrives and stays with him for most of the night until she goes to dance with a guy named Gendry and she forgets about him. It's not that he minds, it's just that he didn't want any of this and he'd rather be home with a book and a cup of tea. He stays downstairs for a while, watching the crowd mingle and dance, a mess of bodies, he can hear Bran and Rickon laugh in a corner, and he sees Theon chatting up a girl and Jon smirks. In a corner, he spots Sansa and her boyfriend, and Jon sees how Sansa is smiling but she's not happy, and Jon sees the hand of said-boyfriend on her thigh and Jon feels anger rising inside of him, so he goes upstairs to one of the bathroom and closes the door behind him and exhales freely for the first time tonight. He breathes for a few minutes, his eyes closed, solely focused on his breathing, and he finds his footing again. He settles in the bathtub, and it's weird and he probably should care but he doesn't, and he feels so tired, he's exhausted. He's leaving tomorrow to the airport and it's only going to be him and his mom and he doesn't want to leave. He's the one that's going the furthest, a whole ocean away, to Harvard Law and he feels like a dream, because that's what he's wanted his entire life but it doesn't feel as great right now. He's leaving his home, he's leaving England, and he's leaving his best friends, he's going to start everything on a blank slate, no one is going to know him. As hard as he tries, he can't see the appeal anymore.

The door opens and Jon almost curses – he should have locked it, really – but then he sees Sansa and she's entering the bathroom in a hurry and she looks panicked and for a minute, she doesn't see him and Jon doesn't say anything and he just watches. She's holding her shirt away a few inches off of her body and Jon adverts his eyes when he sees her pale skin, and doesn't think about how soft it looks, how tempted he is to reach and touch.

« Shit, shit, shit ! » Sansa is the one to curse as she opens the tap and lets the water run on her shirt for a few seconds.

« Do you need help with that ? » Jon feels compelled to ask and Sansa jumps at the sound of his voice and she turns to him, and he suddenly feels very embarassed to be in this bathtub right now, he must look absolutely ridiculous. Sansa doesn't answer, only looks at him and then at the door left open.

« Are you hiding ? » She asks, but he knows she knows the answer.

« Maybe. » He shrugs. He nods towards her shirt. « What happened ? »

« Nothing. » She shrugs as well, but it's more elegant than his. « Joffrey just spilled some beer on me. It's fine. »

Jon can hear in her tone that it's _not_ fine, not at all, and maybe that's why he goes against all his instincts and ask, « Do you want to hide with me for a bit ? »

She lets out a dry chuckle but goes to close the door and Jon doesn't miss the sound of the lock, and his heart beats a little faster when she stands over the bathtub and asks him to move his legs. Which he does and she climbs in the tub and they're close, his legs are touching hers and she lets her arms extended over the edge, close to where his own hand is and he finds it a little harder to breathe. He's not sure that asking her to stay was such a good idea after all.

« Why are you hiding ? »

Yes, definitely not a good idea. « I felt like being alone. »

She narrows her eyes at him. « But you asked me to stay. »

_Caught_. Jon tries to sound nonchalant. « Don't feel too special about it. »

« I won't. I know you prefer Arya. » She says but she doesn't meet his eyes when she says it, only lets her fingers play with the edge.

« No, I don't. » He lets out a little too quickly.

« You always hang out with her. And you always keep quiet when I am here. » Jon doesn't know what to say really. He had thought she wouldn't care, that she hadn't noticed, but.. the animal inside him, the one he had put to rest all these years, arises. She meets his eyes when she speaks again. « I know you don't like me very much. »

« That's not true. » _If you knew_ , Jon thinks but bites his lip to keep it in.

« That's the most we've talked since we've known each other, Jon. » Sansa says, and there's a sadness in her voice. It doesn't fit in her voice, and it reaches her eyes and Jon hates it, and wants to take it away, but he doesn't know how, and he can only stare at her for a long moment.

He clears his throat. « How's the boyfriend doing ? » He mentally kicks himself for asking that. He doesn't even want to know, but the words had come out before he could stop them. He needs to put some distance, if not physically, then at least verbally and hs words serve as a reminder that she's not his, cannot be his, and his chest tightens a little.

« He's drunk. » Sansa answers. « For a change. »

« He's sixteen. » Jon says and he tries to keep the judgement out of his voice but he knows he doesn't when Sansa raises an eyebrow. « He should stop before he gives himself a kidney failure. »

« Oh, you're a doctor now ? » She teases him and there's a smirk on her lips. And Jon really wants to kiss it. « I thought you were a lawyer. »

« You're only a lawyer if you pass the bar. Which I am very far from. »

« I am sure you'll pass each test with flying colours. Just like you did in school. » Sansa reassures him but she's not looking at.

Jon frowns. « You've been keeping tabs on me, Stark ? »

She shrugs. « Only the most important stuff. »

He wants to ask about it, he wants to know what's the important stuff she's been remembering about him, he wants to ask how long has she been doing this, he wants to ask so much more.

« I'm going to miss you, Jon. » She speaks again before he can manage to find the next words out of his mouth. « I'm going to miss you brooding in the corner. » She adds with a smile, but he's seen enough of those to know it's not a real one.

« I'm going to miss you too. » He says and he doesn't know what pushes him to, but he reaches out for her hand, sitting there on the edge, and he leans closer and drops a kiss to her knuckles. « I am really going to miss you, Sansa. » _More than most_ , he doesn't say, but she doesn't need to know. She has a boyfriend and he's leaving tomorrow, she doesn't need to know.

She presses his fingers around hers and doesn't give him a chance to let go. « Promise you won't be a stranger ? »

He nods, but they both know he's lying, they both know he won't call or text, and he'll pretend he's fine with it and he'll pretend he doesn't miss the sound of her voice, or the sight of her smile and he'll pretend.

But not now, no, right now he lets himself be close to her, her hand in his, closer than they've ever been, he indulges in the moment and lets her eyes fall upon a him, and lets himself smile at her, a real one. And with that smile, he lets himself imagine a world where he would have told her his true feelings and she would feel the same, and they would stay together forever. And when she smiles back, a real one too, he'll keep the memory close to his heart in all those nights he'll spend alone.


	2. ii. sansa

ii. sansa

Sansa is about to turn eight when she first sees Jon Snow. She's just come back from a ballet lesson when she hears someone downstairs say goodbye to Robb, and then the door closing. She goes to her window and sees a kid run to his mother's car. He has jet black hair, a curly mess and she can barely see his face but she's intrigued, she has never seen him before. Curious, she goes to find her brother downstairs, he's sitting at the kitchen counter, a textbook in front of him, his hand deeply buried in his reddish brown hair. Their mother Catelyn is pouring some juice in a glass which she then puts in front of Robb. She had picked up Sansa from her class and at the same time, dropped Arya for her fencing lesson. Sansa admires her mother, even at seven, she understands that her mother is doing a lot. She loves to help her mother with everything she can, and her mother always lets her.

Sansa takes a seat next to Robb, climbing the stool. He's doing his mathematics homework, staring at his textbook in pain and Sansa relates only too well. She pokes his shoulder lightly.

« Robb. » She says, grabbing his attention. Robb only humms at her. « Who was the boy that was here? »

Robb doesn't turn to her but he answers. « Jon, he's my friend from school. » He doesn't seem to care about the reason for her question and she's content with the answers so she doesn't push further and tries to help him with his homework but there's not much she can do, so she goes upstairs to take a shower and get some homework done before dinner.

The next day, she pleads her mother to let her accompany her to pick up Robb from school, and that's when she sees Jon again. He doesn't talk to her or anything but she gets a closer look at his face and she thinks he's pretty. He has curly hair, and grey eyes, and she likes the way his lips fall slightly at the corners and she wonders if that's how a knight is supposed to look like. She thinks about the stories her father tells her and she thinks he must be a knight, he's pretty and he has that solemn look her father has sometimes, and she thinks her father is a hero, so Jon must be too.

The next few days, she tries to make sure she's there when he's at their home, but he doesn't seem to appear as often as she would like. Everytime he does come by, she tries to talk to him, but he mostly stays with Robb and Sansa usually has to go to her ballet lessons and when she comes back, Jon isn't here. It makes her sad, for how Jon tries to avoid her and doesn't seem to like her when she tries to talk to him. But Sansa is determined and for years, she tries, and tries hard to be Jon's friend, but he prefers her sister's company to hers and Sansa stops trying so hard at some point so she just keeps smiling but less at him and more at other people. And she gets attention, she does, and she likes it, she likes how people smile at her, how they cheer for her after her plays and her ballet performances. She likes it, and pretends she doesn't always turn to Jon first afterwards, she pretends she doesn't search for attention in his eyes. He's always here, he's always cheering for her, always smiling as he stands in a corner. He's quiet, Robb likes to call him shy to tease him, and she wishes she could get to him, she wishes she could find a way to get to his shyness and bring him out, because she knows he's not shy ; she's heard him laugh and it's loud and booming and full of joy and gleam and she hates that she's never the one to bring it out of him. He always turns quiet whenever she walks in a room and she pretends she doesn't see how his eyes never quite meet hers.

She is sixteen and she wants to kiss him ; she's sitting in a bathtub, hiding in a bathroom while a party is raging downstairs, the walls seem to bounce at the rythm of the music but Sansa doesn't care because she's there with Jon and she wants to kiss him. She is so close, her legs are touching his, her hand is close to his, and it would only take a small move to reach out and take it, but she doesn't.

« I'm going to miss you, Jon. » She says before her brain can stop itself and she bites her lips but she wonders if he knows how much she means it, how much she truly is going to miss him. « I'm going to miss you brooding in the corner. » She lets out a laugh to try and distance herself, tries not to show too much, tries not to tell him she's been in love with him for years but he looks up at her and his eyes are sad. Soft but sad.

« I'm going to miss you too. » And then, the strangest thing happens. Jon grabs her hand and leans in to kiss it. Her heart swells in her chest as his lips touch her skin and she wants to pull him closer, and kiss him, on the lips, but she doesn't want to break the moment so she just stays there, she lets him hold her hand, and she keeps his in hers and doesn't let him pull away. « I am really going to miss you, Sansa. » And the words makes her want to cry, because out of everything she wants him to say, this has to be the closest to a goodbye and it only reminds her that he's leaving on the morning, and that she won't see him around anymore.

« Promise you won't be a stranger ? » She asks, but it sounds more like a plea, like she's begging, because she doesn't want him to forget them, she doesn't want him to forget her. But he probably will, she knows this as he nods, and he knows this, and it hurts to know he will, but he keeps her hand in his and just watches her, and she lets herself think he won't. As she looks at him, his face, his lips, his grey eyes, his curls falling on his forehead, she imagines a world where they're together, a world where she wakes up next to him and he makes her food and she can kiss him as much as he wants and he'll love her and she'll love him. She looks at him, her hand in his and prays that this night never ends.

She's 22 when she sees him again and the air in her lungs gets caught, just like it used to all those years ago. She's at a Christmas party for the company she works at, and Robb is there and he's standing next to her when she spots Jon. He's at the bar, leaning on it in a way that screams confidence and he's looking right at her, a drink in his hand, wearing a black suit although his jacket is on the back of the bar chair he's standing next to. When their eyes meet, he raises his glass at her, and Sansa feels her whole body being set on fire. She nods slightly at him and adverts her eyes, but now that she knows he's here, watching her, she can't focus on what Robb is telling Mr Royce, the head of the marketing department. She excuses herself and heads to the bar, the other end though, far from where Jon is and asks for another vodka tonic to the bartender. He's just done with placing the glass in front of her when she feels him sliding next to her. Her whole skin tingles from the proximity of his body and she downs her drink in one go, gathering herself.

« I wasn't expecting to see you. » His voice is more grave, stronger, but still low, and the accent is still thick and for some reason, it makes her smile. She doesn't want to turn to him though, she can't, she's not strong enough yet, so she gestures to the bartender for another refill. « I don't remember you being a drinker. »

« You don't know me at all. » She says and it comes out sharper than she intends it, but she thinks he deserves a little sharpness coming from her.

« Aye, I suppose I don't. » He says and they stay silent for a while. He doesn't leave and neither does she, and she wonders if his skin feels as hot as hers, he wonders if he's as taken aback by her as she is by his.

« I've missed you. » He says, after a moment. « I really have. »

« Liar. » She says, and this time she means the sharpness in her tone. « If you had, you would've called. You would have come back sooner. » She doesn't mean to say this, but it's too late. And this time she turns to him, letting him know she means it all.

« Maybe that's why I didn't call.. » He says, and his grey eyes are the same as the last time she saw them five years ago, in the bathroom of her home. « Because I missed you too much. »

« That's a shitty excuse, and you know it. » She pushes herself off of her stool and walks away from the bar, heading for one of the terraces. The cold air is welcome, and it eases some of the fire burning in her chest, and Sansa lets out a long breath and leans on the glass rail overlooking the city. She hears foosteps behind her and she knows it's him, she knows by the way her heart stills for a second when she feels his breathing behind her, she knows by the way her whole body is at ease and how it doesn't flinch when Jon takes her hands to turn her around.

« I should have called. » He says and he looks at her and it's with pleading eyes and he can't stay angry at him, no, she can't, not when he's there, finally, within reach. « I'm sorry.. I .. I wasn't brave enough then. » He looks down at their hands, and she doesn't let go of his hand, not even when she feels him pulling away from her. She keeps him there, with her, and Jon's mouth falls opens and he lets out a long breath. He looks at her, with those grey eyes of his, and he looks, and looks and Sansa knows. Jon has never been good with words, but it's in his eyes. The truth is there, and she sees it now, and he squeezes her fingers just the slightest and she breathes out quietly.

«I should've told you sooner. » He whispers and he looks down. « I never thought you'd want me..»

Sansa chuckles because gosh, even after all those years, that's the last thing she thought he would say. She's wanted him since the day she understood what wanting someone meant, and it's always been him, always will be him.

« I've always wanted you. It's always been you, Jon. »

And she leans in to kiss him, and maybe it's the alcohol in her system and maybe the fact that he hasn't moved further from her, and she feels his lips move against hers, and his hands grip his waist and maybe it's all worth it, all the waiting and the pining and the hopeless dating stupid boys, maybe it all led her to this moment.


End file.
